katimugambalon

Ruminations on literature, film, life, and what-have-you.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Fear

I have not been quite myself lately. The past few days have not been that hectic, yet I am still agitated. You see, in a couple of months, I would need to go through the comprehensive examinations for philosophy.

In Jesuit formation, or the formation of the priesthood in general, it is expected that one goes through the comprehensives. I am on my second year of philosophy, and that means, yes comps time. However, I am also taking up my MS in Computer Science, and that means, come January, I would have to defend my thesis. These two brought together is giving me much anxiety.

I am afraid that I might fail. As my spiritual director pointed out yesterday, failure is not an option. And it should never be an option. Fear is caused by the unknown, and the best weapon against fear, therefore, is knowing. Knowing what? In my case, it's knowing the matter that needs to be taken up. It is knowing myself--that means, knowing my weaknesses, as well as my strengths, and using my strengths to my advantage. It is knowing, much more than anything else, that if things don't go as well as I hoped it would, everything will be alright, that I am still loved.

I beg, then for your prayers, as I go through this path where there is no room for failure. Help me beg for the grace of courage and trust that I may pursue my endeavors with much fervor, and accept whatever comes out of it.

2 Comments:

Blogger Sacha said...

The strange thing is that it is when we find ourselves the weakest that we feel most Loved.

11:33 AM  
Blogger katimugambalon said...

It is in this situation that we have no masks, that we are the most vulnerable. It is when our true selves are unfettered by pomp and imagery, that we actually have the humility to accept and listen, that we have the thirst to love and allow ourselves to be loved.

6:08 PM  

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